5 Tips for cruising at the Porn Store when you are High

How to behave at the porn store when you are fucked up


It’s 4am and you’re at the porn store cruising other horny perverts waiting for that perfect cock or ass. And you’re high. High as Fuck. Or drunk. You’re high and drunk and horny. How do you hide this from the porn clerk so he doesn’t focus on you and everything you’re doing wrong so he doesn’t ruin your night?

First of all get the idea that you need to fool the porn clerk into thinking you are an upstanding citizen and boy scout out of your head. It’s 4am at the porn store and this probably isn’t his first rodeo. You are not fooling anybody. And the clerk probably doesn’t give a Fuck as long as you don’t give him a  to care. What you do need to think about is minimizing the effect your presence has on their work day. Here are some basics you should know.

1. Do your drugs or take your shots before you get there if at all possible.

Don’t try and sneak a bottle in with you.

Don’t get high in the theater if they have one. The other day a guy I know from sex tried shooting up in the theater. He didn’t try, he actually shot up in the theater. I don’t know what he was thinking when he decided that would be a good move. Most people are afraid of needles. Even most other drug users don’t like them. It was almost a given that he was going to get told on and I was going to have to 86 him. He should have done it in the bathroom (but only is he could do it fast. Anything longer than five minutes is suspicious as Fuck.)

He also could have went into a private video booth. Doing it in a booth with a glory hole is so amateur and you will probably get told on.

Finally, if you insist on doing your drugs at the porn store, for the love of God take your dirty syringes and other paraphernalia with you. Nothing makes me angrier than almost getting poked when I’m taking out the garbage or cleaning the arcade. Don’t be a dick head.

2. Don’t be a douche. If the clerk greets you don’t ignore her. That doesn’t make you invisible, that makes you rude and rudeness puts you on the clerks radar. They probably won’t kick you out for rudeness but they will keep their eye on you and a porn clerk that doesn’t like you can make your night much less enjoyable.

For example, if you buy a three hour theater pass I usually wouldn’t pay any attention to the time you started unless I didn’t like you. In that case I might tell you when your time is up down to the second.

The same is true for nearly anything at the clerks discretion. If they don’t like you you will have less time in a booth after your money runs out, less time to spend loitering, and no chance of getting a discount or good advice about anything.

3. You will probably have to hand over your bag at the counter . In fact it’s a good idea to do this right away so they don’t have to ask you. Porn clerks are always wary of thieves. Thieves are one of the undesirables that are attracted to the porn store. If you are carrying a bag around with you it makes you look like you’re trying to steal and that puts you on the clerks radar. Just turn over your bag at the start without complaining.

Also, you should really only have one normal sized bag or backpack. Anymore than that and you look homeless and no porn store wants to be known as a homeless shelter.

If you have a bag and a guitar case and several shopping bags and a tent that is going to put you in the clerks radar. And if I haven’t made it clear that is not a place you want to be.

4. If you are high and are only there to cruise the arcade, stay in the arcade. Don’t come out into the store to cruise while you pretend to shop. When a customer is on the floor the clerk probably has to drop whatever project they are working on, turn off their tablet and stop smoking their cigarette to help (and watch) you. It also makes you look like a possible thief because it’s obvious when you aren’t planing on buying anything.

You do not want to be high maintenance.

You also don’t need to hang out at the counter and make weird high and/or drunk conversation with us. For me there’s nothing more annoying than a drunk repeating the same thing or asking my name over and over again.

A close second on the annoying scale is the tweaker who talks so quietly that I can’t understand a fucking word he says.

5. If you have real questions then please ask them. If you want a hard on pull but have no idea which one is any good and there are 30 choices ask the clerk their opinion.

If a customer doesn’t ask I don’t give any advice. If they ask I let them know which ones work fucking amazing for me (Blue Fusion, 50 shades and Shogun X are my current favorites) and which ones I think are crap (many of the Rhinos, Alpha Man, many others). Even if they don’t personally know the clerk knows which ones they sell the most of.

The same goes for lubes, toys, poppers, how many people are in the theater,etc. As long as you aren’t asking me to read the ingredients in every lube even though you have no intention to buy any then we are good.

This is a good starting list, especially for those of you who are up to no good at the local porn store. Remember, every clerk is different and what annoys one won’t bother another, but if you’re only there to cruise for dick it is a good rule of thumb to fly under the radar, stay low maintenance and always put money in the booth while you are in it taking up space.

Porn Clerk Shift Notes–the month so far. October

I have a Facebook group called porn clerk cult leader where I post little odd and ends from work. Here are a few from earlier this month

—Reason1 why tonight was a real winner. The roof at work leaks and the buckets need dumped i every 20 minutes or they flood the DVD room

—-Reason #2 why tonight was super awesome.

I hooked up with an older”straight” guy who had never been with a guy before after work the other day. Of course he wanted fucked. I could tell he was straight by How clean he was. I left him in the booth to have a cigarette and when I came back he must have gotten super high because he had gone crazy. Making weird noises, snapping at me. My boss was trying to get him to leave because he wasn’t putting money in the booth. I ended up just leaving while he was in the bathroom.

Tonight he called me at work and was mother fucker this and mother fucker that.

“Who are you?” I ask

“You know who I am. You fucked me in a booth last week”

“Well that narrows it down about five people.” I say.

I figure out who it is, he says he is going be at my work at midnight, he’s not mad at me, blah blah.

“That’s not a good idea” I say. ” You shouldn’t do that.”

He gets mad. Starts to threaten me ( did I mention he recently got out of a 9 year prison stint for bank robbery?). I tell him if he shows up at my work he’s gonna be leaving with the police and hang up

Then a bunch of shit happens and the owner of my store calls pissed at me ( I’ll tell you about that later if I have anymore typing left in me) and then crazy mother fucker calls again.

He wants to apologize for how he acted and He’s will meet me  at my work at midnight and we are going to have so much fun together. He wants to suck my dick, please let him explain…”

“We hooked up. Hookups don’t call my work and give me a whole bunch of shit to deal with. Hookups don’t do ANYTHING. I have a partner. I don’t need this hassle from some guy I fucked. I don’t keep hooking up with the same person. That causes problems for my real relationship. You need to go away”

Then he starts threatening me and I hang up

–Tomorrow is only like the MOST important day of the year. It’s like Halloween, Christmas, and Arbor Day all rolled into one! It’s National Custodial Workers Day! Along side my work as a porn clerk I also have my own Custodial business called Wicked Clean and that means tomorrow is my Day bitches!!

People all over the world come together to show their appreciation for the good men and women who work tirelessly to clean up the cum from the arcade floors and empty the trash cans full of piss and remove the endless amount of women’s lingerie and vegetables with condoms on them so you can have a relatively staph free experience at the glory holes.

If you haven’t been thoughtful enough to throw me a Custodial themed surprise party or you haven’t started a crowd sourcing fund to get me my own janitorial cart then the least you can do… And i mean the very least is make me a card or send me a thoughtful hooker.

Some famous custodians include Freddy Kruger , Schneider from”inner day at a time” and groundskeeper Willie.


An annoying fuck just did the “what’s your managers name? What’s your name bullshit” I’m so glad I don’t have to be nice to the customers if they don’t deserve it.
He’s in the theater and he wants me to change the movie… What is this three times now? I had a gay movie on and he came out and said the others guys didn’t care what they watched and he wanted something with women.
First off I hate it when they ask other people if they can change the movie. People feel obligated. So I put in a bi movie. But now he points to a tranny movie and says ” what are they? I want one of those!”

No. I put a bi movie on. I’m not changing it again. Not everyone likes tranny movies. When there’s a disagreement I put a bi movie on, that way nobody is happy.

He argued with me for about five minutes. By now there’s nothing he can say to change my mind. So he started in with the what’s your managers name crap.

Then he wants back in the theater after I go out to smoke. I told him he could knock or wait. So he waited staring at me the entire time I smoked.

He just left “thanks a lot. I just threw away five dollars”

Yeah thank-you. Now my neck hurts and I’m in a suck ass mood

 


Are there girls at the glory holes?

I think one of the ghosts is a girl. It wails like a girl but it could just be a really gay ghost.

 


A regular customer…an older rugged manly man was in yesterday. He stepped up to the counter and I thought he said something like “hello Mr. Wonderful.”

He’s in a good mood I thought. He’s usually so reserved. I was like “thank you, I’m doing good.”

He was a little confused. He had asked me for a bottle of Mr. Wonderful. He didn’t care how I was doing nor did he think I was that wonderful.

I laughed so fucking hard for about five minutes

Porn Clerk Shift Notes for 10/20/16

-I forgot to write about the hilarity that happened here last week. Thank God it wasn’t on my shift but I got to watch the video on porn clerk TV.

A man…a black man… Came into the store and slowly started taking off articles of clothing. He was asked to leave. But first he went into the bathroom and did as big number 2 with the door open, didn’t wipe and then went out in the parking lot where there is a big lake of water that won’t drain… And proceeded to get totally naked and take a bath using the toilet scrub brush he stole from the bathroom.
The police were called and thankfully they didn’t shoot him

 

-Somebody got sick in the back preview booth. It smells so bad. Is it shit? Is it puke? Both? I don’t want to clean it up. Don’t make me. I know I’ll save it for the janitor. Oh fuck that’s me

 

  • b busybody customer wanted me to come in the back and look through the glory hole at another customer who was basically jerking off weird.

“Is he shooting up?” I ask

No

“Is he having a seizure?”

I don’t know he could be.

He wasn’t. He was just jerking off like the weirdo he is.

 

 

The Porn Clerk Chronicles- A Coke and a Smile

The other night at work I glanced up at the security cameras and noticed some weird movement in one of the hallways of the arcade.  There was nobody else in the store so u went back to check it out.

 

Our arcade is pretty dark by arcade standards which can either be sleazy hot or just scary. There are a few big booths up front and a little hall leads you to the bulk of the booths, most of which are glory hole booths. In this part there is one big rectangular are with booths on either side and a small dark hallway that goes around them.

I had to walk through the semi darkness to the hallway at the far end before I found what I guess I  was looking for.

In the middle of the hallway, down on all fours was an attractive young black kid. I almost stepped right on him when I realized had his pants around his ankles and was fucking himself with an old fashioned coke bottle.

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I told him to take it into a booth which was far nicer than I think anyone else would have been.

About twenty minutes later I went back to make sure he was putting money in the machine but he was still in the hallway. On all fours. Fucking himself with a coke bottle.

“What the fuck!?” I yelled at him. “Dude it’s time to go.”

He followed me back out I was assuming to grab his bag and leave embarrassment. That’s what I would have done. He didn’t seem embarrassed. He started looking around at all the large objects like the fists that he wanted shove up his ass.

“Dude you have to go,” I told him. I was kind of surprised I had to tell him although I should know better. You could catch people doing the most fucked up shit and kick them out and they never seemed to want to leave.

“You need to leave”, I told him again.

“What did I do?” He asked. I mean he genuinely acted taken aback that I didn’t want him there.

“What did you do?” I asked incredulously. ” You were fucking yourself with a coke bottle in the arcade hallway and you didn’t move it to a booth when I told you to.”

“You never asked me to move to a booth” he argued. ” If you did I wouldn’t be standing here doubting that you were speaking the truth”

“I don’t give a fuck what you doubt, you need to grab your shot and get the fuck out of my store!” I yelled having lost all patience with him.

He begrudgingly left. Do people have no shame? I would have died of embarrassment but he was still trying to act street thug cool throwing me all kinds of shade.

I went back to at least spray some air freshener because there arcade had a nasty blood smell hanging over it.

After a quick clean up I stepped out  the back porch to have a cigarette. Guess what was waiting for me in the back alley? If you guessed he was back there with his pants pulled down fucking himself with a coke bottle you would be correct.

“You weren’t supposed to come out here,” he explains. “Today’s my birthday.”

“Happy fucking birthday, now get the fuck out here!”

TMI Tuesday-sex work, sex blog and sex

1. Hi there. Tell us about your job and what you do?

If you read my dearly departed blog at all you know that I am a porn clerk. That’s what a degree in sociology leaves you qualified to  do.  At the most basic level I am a cashier, salesperson and babysitter. I also need to act as a sex therapist and bartender of sex and porn. I hear all about the personal lives and problems ( usually sexual but not always) of half the customers that walk into my store. I try to stay up to date on reviews of sex toys and to know at least something about as many kinks and fetishes as I can so I know what I’m talking about. I play a  sexual matchmaker  (a volunteer pimp if you will) letting certain customers know if there is somebody in the arcade or theater they might be interested in. Oh… And a constant aspect of my job is to keep thieves from stealing and to kick out the troublemakers.
2. What piece of advice would  give to a co-worker?

Don’t be an asshole. So many porn clerks have really dickish attitudes immediately treating customers like disgusting pervs just because they are in their store . I won’t go back to a place because of the bad attitude of a porn clerk.

 

3. What 2 pieces of advice would you give to a new blogger?

If you’re doing this to make money, you’ll be rich in no time! Or not.

A. If you plan on having adult content, especially pictures or videos you should get your own domain name and self host your blog. I lost two years worth of writing because WordPress suddenly took an interest in what I was posting and kicked me off because i violated their decency rules.

B. Comment on other people’s blogs in a meaningful way, take part in any memes you find interesting and find a way to interact with other bloggers in your community. I’m still just learning that one.
4. What 1 piece of advice would you give to a veteran blogger–someone blogging for more than 3 years?

It really means a lot when you take an interest in us little guys when you comment because your advice and interest is always really appreciated. For example a top blogger in the sex blogging community is  Molly of Mollys Daily Kiss. She has given me some very good blogging advice and she also included me in her top 5 of the week on her Sinful Sunday meme  for a Pic I took which I am very proud of.
5. What do you hope visitors to your blog see, take away, feel or learn?

Usually my goal is to make them laugh if it’s something I’ve written. I’ll also accept hard, wet, or creeped out. I’m working on improving my finished product so reader aren’t left just scratching their heads.

6. Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best?

I was let go from my last porn clerk job when the store closed but found another job as a porn clerk the next day in a much less stressful environment. So whew!

Bonus: What was the last experience that made you a stronger person?

I was recently fucked by a radioactive pervert and now I have x-ray vision and my cock shoots this sticky webby stuff that you do not want to get in your eye.

Even you could play TMI Tuesday! Just click on the little picture right down there

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You wanna go to a porn store?


In my city if you want to run out to the nearest sex shop you have plenty  of options and you won’t have to travel far. It might even be within walking distance. I live in a very sexy city. or Is it a  slutty city? Either way we have plenty of sex shops.
timesq1970s
We have oodles of them. We also have the most strip clubs pet capita  than anywhere in the country and we got voted kinkiest city by one website or another.
 If you’re nervous about going to “one of those places”  you need to relax. and maybe get out more often. Come down from your beautiful pink castle once in a white princess. Jesus.
For now we can skip the scary and  go to a high end female centric, all inclusive, politically correct sex positive safe space  sexual wellness boutique. Here you can shop for vegan lube, take a class on sexual touching  and buy lesbian porn made by actual  lesbians. Won’t that be nice to she bop to while sipping on non caffeinated herbal tea later?
 we would have to go while it’s still light outside. A shop like that won’t be open at 3am, and it’s not the kind of place one goes to suck a little cock .you don’t go there to suck a  big cock either. Or a black cock or a cock of indeterminate ancestry fort that matter.You don’t go here to suck cock of any length or thickness or nationality or gender. You just don’t suck cock here period pervert.
You could almost describe the vegan women’s collective all natural granola not so nasty shop as being family friendly, assuming your family members are all at least 18 with valid ID . I told you there was nothing to be afraid of. That was just like a visit to Times Square. Times Square with pink vibratiors.
You should know that not all sex shops are  created equal. Way down on the other end of the Porn store rainbow it looks more like the  Times Square of the 1970’s. The key word would be sleazy.
gaiety
A  kid is standing out front feeling the effects of a recent shot of heroin. He bums a smoke from the dancer next door where a half hour private “dance” only costs you $100!  Across the street a bouncer breaks up a fight between two drunks at the strip club. This diverts  attention from you and you duck into a sex shop that is worlds apart from the first one.
You won’t find the same high quality sex toys  here but if you are interested in cheap porn look no further. DVD covers promise 6+ hours of fucking and sucking with titles such as “there’s a black man in my ass” and “mother’s eat cum too”.  But that’s not all. imagine getting not 1. Not 2. Not 3 but  4 movies for the low low price of $20!
Political correctness is thrown out the window when you walked through those doors.Transsexuals revert back to trannys. Little people star in exploitive midget porn and a recent new release is actually called “there’s a negro in my step daughter!” Obviously there’s no feminist porn in this establishment.
Chances are you probably aren’t here to buy porn or toys anyway. I bet you skip the store and go right back into the arcade where you do a little cruising to see who else has the same idea as you. What idea is that? You ask. you should know if it’s your idea but I’ll tell you anyway.
bowery_6
You’re probably here for the same reason as the spun out little tweaker and the guy with the wedding band on his finger. You’re hoping to find whatever it is that you’re looking for at the other end of the glory hole in one of these video booths. A dick, a mouth or even an ass. Plenty of guys are also hoping to find themselves a little pussy (or big pussy or black pussy yada yada). Good luck with that.
There are other places to find quick anonymous sex but for whatever reason most of these guys like the sleazy, “dangerous”  and unpredictable thrill they get from cruising at the sex shop.
 Until recently I worked as a porn clerk in one of the sleaziest nasty shops in town. I’m still a porn clerk and I’m still at one of the sleazier stores but times they are a changing.
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Two of the stores I worked for were recently bought and sold. We now have products I don’t have to be embarrassed to sell. We have some quality shit man. We have also added a porn theater  with better Porn to the mix. But with these amazing changes have also brought with them cameras. Lots and lots of cameras and microphones. The new owner for some reason doesn’t want me (not just me) having sex with customers while I’m on the clock. And I don’t. As much.
In this blog you will get a glimpse inside the ever changing porn store business as one store tries to keep up with the changing times. You may also learn way to much about my way to active sex life. We can talk about sex of the past as well as the changes constantly happening around the world of sex.
Be warned I will probably have a picture of myself naked, having sex or jerking off every Sunday, or as it’s known to sex bloggers sinful Sunday. You will probably even get to know the crazy fucked up, fucking hot, fucking not, fucking crazy fucks that come through my store everyday.
Until next time. Have fun not regrets.
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