Porn Clerk Shift Notes–the month so far. October

I have a Facebook group called porn clerk cult leader where I post little odd and ends from work. Here are a few from earlier this month

—Reason1 why tonight was a real winner. The roof at work leaks and the buckets need dumped i every 20 minutes or they flood the DVD room

—-Reason #2 why tonight was super awesome.

I hooked up with an older”straight” guy who had never been with a guy before after work the other day. Of course he wanted fucked. I could tell he was straight by How clean he was. I left him in the booth to have a cigarette and when I came back he must have gotten super high because he had gone crazy. Making weird noises, snapping at me. My boss was trying to get him to leave because he wasn’t putting money in the booth. I ended up just leaving while he was in the bathroom.

Tonight he called me at work and was mother fucker this and mother fucker that.

“Who are you?” I ask

“You know who I am. You fucked me in a booth last week”

“Well that narrows it down about five people.” I say.

I figure out who it is, he says he is going be at my work at midnight, he’s not mad at me, blah blah.

“That’s not a good idea” I say. ” You shouldn’t do that.”

He gets mad. Starts to threaten me ( did I mention he recently got out of a 9 year prison stint for bank robbery?). I tell him if he shows up at my work he’s gonna be leaving with the police and hang up

Then a bunch of shit happens and the owner of my store calls pissed at me ( I’ll tell you about that later if I have anymore typing left in me) and then crazy mother fucker calls again.

He wants to apologize for how he acted and He’s will meet me  at my work at midnight and we are going to have so much fun together. He wants to suck my dick, please let him explain…”

“We hooked up. Hookups don’t call my work and give me a whole bunch of shit to deal with. Hookups don’t do ANYTHING. I have a partner. I don’t need this hassle from some guy I fucked. I don’t keep hooking up with the same person. That causes problems for my real relationship. You need to go away”

Then he starts threatening me and I hang up

–Tomorrow is only like the MOST important day of the year. It’s like Halloween, Christmas, and Arbor Day all rolled into one! It’s National Custodial Workers Day! Along side my work as a porn clerk I also have my own Custodial business called Wicked Clean and that means tomorrow is my Day bitches!!

People all over the world come together to show their appreciation for the good men and women who work tirelessly to clean up the cum from the arcade floors and empty the trash cans full of piss and remove the endless amount of women’s lingerie and vegetables with condoms on them so you can have a relatively staph free experience at the glory holes.

If you haven’t been thoughtful enough to throw me a Custodial themed surprise party or you haven’t started a crowd sourcing fund to get me my own janitorial cart then the least you can do… And i mean the very least is make me a card or send me a thoughtful hooker.

Some famous custodians include Freddy Kruger , Schneider from”inner day at a time” and groundskeeper Willie.


An annoying fuck just did the “what’s your managers name? What’s your name bullshit” I’m so glad I don’t have to be nice to the customers if they don’t deserve it.
He’s in the theater and he wants me to change the movie… What is this three times now? I had a gay movie on and he came out and said the others guys didn’t care what they watched and he wanted something with women.
First off I hate it when they ask other people if they can change the movie. People feel obligated. So I put in a bi movie. But now he points to a tranny movie and says ” what are they? I want one of those!”

No. I put a bi movie on. I’m not changing it again. Not everyone likes tranny movies. When there’s a disagreement I put a bi movie on, that way nobody is happy.

He argued with me for about five minutes. By now there’s nothing he can say to change my mind. So he started in with the what’s your managers name crap.

Then he wants back in the theater after I go out to smoke. I told him he could knock or wait. So he waited staring at me the entire time I smoked.

He just left “thanks a lot. I just threw away five dollars”

Yeah thank-you. Now my neck hurts and I’m in a suck ass mood

 


Are there girls at the glory holes?

I think one of the ghosts is a girl. It wails like a girl but it could just be a really gay ghost.

 


A regular customer…an older rugged manly man was in yesterday. He stepped up to the counter and I thought he said something like “hello Mr. Wonderful.”

He’s in a good mood I thought. He’s usually so reserved. I was like “thank you, I’m doing good.”

He was a little confused. He had asked me for a bottle of Mr. Wonderful. He didn’t care how I was doing nor did he think I was that wonderful.

I laughed so fucking hard for about five minutes

Porn Clerk Shift Notes for 10/20/16

-I forgot to write about the hilarity that happened here last week. Thank God it wasn’t on my shift but I got to watch the video on porn clerk TV.

A man…a black man… Came into the store and slowly started taking off articles of clothing. He was asked to leave. But first he went into the bathroom and did as big number 2 with the door open, didn’t wipe and then went out in the parking lot where there is a big lake of water that won’t drain… And proceeded to get totally naked and take a bath using the toilet scrub brush he stole from the bathroom.
The police were called and thankfully they didn’t shoot him

 

-Somebody got sick in the back preview booth. It smells so bad. Is it shit? Is it puke? Both? I don’t want to clean it up. Don’t make me. I know I’ll save it for the janitor. Oh fuck that’s me

 

  • b busybody customer wanted me to come in the back and look through the glory hole at another customer who was basically jerking off weird.

“Is he shooting up?” I ask

No

“Is he having a seizure?”

I don’t know he could be.

He wasn’t. He was just jerking off like the weirdo he is.

 

 

The Porn Clerk Chronicles- A Coke and a Smile

The other night at work I glanced up at the security cameras and noticed some weird movement in one of the hallways of the arcade.  There was nobody else in the store so u went back to check it out.

 

Our arcade is pretty dark by arcade standards which can either be sleazy hot or just scary. There are a few big booths up front and a little hall leads you to the bulk of the booths, most of which are glory hole booths. In this part there is one big rectangular are with booths on either side and a small dark hallway that goes around them.

I had to walk through the semi darkness to the hallway at the far end before I found what I guess I  was looking for.

In the middle of the hallway, down on all fours was an attractive young black kid. I almost stepped right on him when I realized had his pants around his ankles and was fucking himself with an old fashioned coke bottle.

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I told him to take it into a booth which was far nicer than I think anyone else would have been.

About twenty minutes later I went back to make sure he was putting money in the machine but he was still in the hallway. On all fours. Fucking himself with a coke bottle.

“What the fuck!?” I yelled at him. “Dude it’s time to go.”

He followed me back out I was assuming to grab his bag and leave embarrassment. That’s what I would have done. He didn’t seem embarrassed. He started looking around at all the large objects like the fists that he wanted shove up his ass.

“Dude you have to go,” I told him. I was kind of surprised I had to tell him although I should know better. You could catch people doing the most fucked up shit and kick them out and they never seemed to want to leave.

“You need to leave”, I told him again.

“What did I do?” He asked. I mean he genuinely acted taken aback that I didn’t want him there.

“What did you do?” I asked incredulously. ” You were fucking yourself with a coke bottle in the arcade hallway and you didn’t move it to a booth when I told you to.”

“You never asked me to move to a booth” he argued. ” If you did I wouldn’t be standing here doubting that you were speaking the truth”

“I don’t give a fuck what you doubt, you need to grab your shot and get the fuck out of my store!” I yelled having lost all patience with him.

He begrudgingly left. Do people have no shame? I would have died of embarrassment but he was still trying to act street thug cool throwing me all kinds of shade.

I went back to at least spray some air freshener because there arcade had a nasty blood smell hanging over it.

After a quick clean up I stepped out  the back porch to have a cigarette. Guess what was waiting for me in the back alley? If you guessed he was back there with his pants pulled down fucking himself with a coke bottle you would be correct.

“You weren’t supposed to come out here,” he explains. “Today’s my birthday.”

“Happy fucking birthday, now get the fuck out here!”