Welcome back internet cruisers. This is my second installment of what I like to think of as the definitive guide to hooking up protocol, at least for gay men.
I’m going to share with you what I believe is the proper etiquette when it comes to responding back to people online. This is pretty hotly debated and many many people think that I’m an asshole for the way I chose to roll this way but i strongly stand by it.
When a guy messages me, or oink’s at me or pokes me or woofs or what have you, and I’m not interested I think it’s perfectly acceptable to just not reply back.
I don’t think you need to message back saying “thanks but no thanks” or any of the variations on “I’m just not that into you.”
I have a few good reasons for this. My first reason is practical. On many sites you only get a limited number of messages to send per day. Whether that’s 10 or 100 I don’t want to waste them on telling somebody I don’t want to have sex with them. My lack of a response is often a response. It doesn’t have to mean I’ll never be interested but it does mean I’m not interested right now.
Or it means I’m busy at the moment . Maybe I’m away from the screen feeding my dog or i might already be finalizing a hook up that I’m pursuing right now. I might come back later and chat you up. I might not.
I could also be so fucked up that typing is too challenging and hooking up is out if the realm of possibility.
Whatever the reason is that someone didn’t message you back, your best bet is to leave it alone. Assume that they aren’t interested or that they are busy. Maybe message them again another day if you are that interested, but only one more time. The truth is that when you keep sending message after message to someone who isn’t messaging you back you quickly start to look desperate and ultimately pathetic. That’s very harsh but it’s the truth. Don’t do that to yourself. Have more self-respect than that.
There could be a million reasons someone isn’t interested. But they don’t owe you an explanation no matter how much you think you deserve one so ultimately it doesn’t matter. There’s nothing you can do about it so move on.
It wouldn’t hurt to take a look at the shit you do have control over. Are you being ignored because you don’t have a photo (if you don’t have a clear face photo then you’re not going to stand out from all the other dicks and asses. And pics of you wearing sunglasses arent fair, everybody looks good and the same in shades.)
Does your profile comes across as mean or bitchy? Did you leave everything blank? In those cases can fix the problem and you may get the responses you want.
Personally I would rather not get a response than one that tells me “I am not interested in meeting you because of A,B and C. I don’t want to know that you think I’m too old or ugly or what your reasoning is. Not responding is more than enough.
Do not send an angry or hurt message back to the person chastising them for not responding back as fast as you want. You’re not the most important person in the world and you don’t know what’s happening on the other side of that screen. You might be focusing all your attention on the computer but the guy you just messsged might just be casually glancing at his screen while he lives his life.
There have been so many times when I’ve gotten a message, a follow-up message, that annoying question mark message (???) And a hopefully last message telling me how stuck up or racist or full of AIDS I am.
More often than not I haven’t even seen the first message by the time I get the “Fuck you! Eat shit and die from eating shit” message. I’m always thankful I missed their first message and didn’t end up hooking up with such a high maintenance narcissist before they revealed their true douche selves.
The ones where the guy tells me how much I hurt his feelings are even worse. I don’t need that. Don’t put all that emotional blackmail on someone you don’t even know. Find a way to do this without getting your feelings all involved over a stranger.
This may be cold but until I meet somebody I don’t even think of guys online who want to fuck as even being real people. Until we meet they are profiles and pickup lines with dick pics. They could be anybody, which usually doesn’t come close to matching the image you created in your head for them.
This edition of rules may seem harsh but in the long run it could save you from looking like a crazy person and leave you with your self-respect firmly intact.