How to behave at the porn store when you are fucked up
It’s 4am and you’re at the porn store cruising other horny perverts waiting for that perfect cock or ass. And you’re high. High as Fuck. Or drunk. You’re high and drunk and horny. How do you hide this from the porn clerk so he doesn’t focus on you and everything you’re doing wrong so he doesn’t ruin your night?
First of all get the idea that you need to fool the porn clerk into thinking you are an upstanding citizen and boy scout out of your head. It’s 4am at the porn store and this probably isn’t his first rodeo. You are not fooling anybody. And the clerk probably doesn’t give a Fuck as long as you don’t give him a to care. What you do need to think about is minimizing the effect your presence has on their work day. Here are some basics you should know.
1. Do your drugs or take your shots before you get there if at all possible.
Don’t try and sneak a bottle in with you.
Don’t get high in the theater if they have one. The other day a guy I know from sex tried shooting up in the theater. He didn’t try, he actually shot up in the theater. I don’t know what he was thinking when he decided that would be a good move. Most people are afraid of needles. Even most other drug users don’t like them. It was almost a given that he was going to get told on and I was going to have to 86 him. He should have done it in the bathroom (but only is he could do it fast. Anything longer than five minutes is suspicious as Fuck.)
He also could have went into a private video booth. Doing it in a booth with a glory hole is so amateur and you will probably get told on.
Finally, if you insist on doing your drugs at the porn store, for the love of God take your dirty syringes and other paraphernalia with you. Nothing makes me angrier than almost getting poked when I’m taking out the garbage or cleaning the arcade. Don’t be a dick head.
2. Don’t be a douche. If the clerk greets you don’t ignore her. That doesn’t make you invisible, that makes you rude and rudeness puts you on the clerks radar. They probably won’t kick you out for rudeness but they will keep their eye on you and a porn clerk that doesn’t like you can make your night much less enjoyable.
For example, if you buy a three hour theater pass I usually wouldn’t pay any attention to the time you started unless I didn’t like you. In that case I might tell you when your time is up down to the second.
The same is true for nearly anything at the clerks discretion. If they don’t like you you will have less time in a booth after your money runs out, less time to spend loitering, and no chance of getting a discount or good advice about anything.
3. You will probably have to hand over your bag at the counter . In fact it’s a good idea to do this right away so they don’t have to ask you. Porn clerks are always wary of thieves. Thieves are one of the undesirables that are attracted to the porn store. If you are carrying a bag around with you it makes you look like you’re trying to steal and that puts you on the clerks radar. Just turn over your bag at the start without complaining.
Also, you should really only have one normal sized bag or backpack. Anymore than that and you look homeless and no porn store wants to be known as a homeless shelter.
If you have a bag and a guitar case and several shopping bags and a tent that is going to put you in the clerks radar. And if I haven’t made it clear that is not a place you want to be.
4. If you are high and are only there to cruise the arcade, stay in the arcade. Don’t come out into the store to cruise while you pretend to shop. When a customer is on the floor the clerk probably has to drop whatever project they are working on, turn off their tablet and stop smoking their cigarette to help (and watch) you. It also makes you look like a possible thief because it’s obvious when you aren’t planing on buying anything.
You do not want to be high maintenance.
You also don’t need to hang out at the counter and make weird high and/or drunk conversation with us. For me there’s nothing more annoying than a drunk repeating the same thing or asking my name over and over again.
A close second on the annoying scale is the tweaker who talks so quietly that I can’t understand a fucking word he says.
5. If you have real questions then please ask them. If you want a hard on pull but have no idea which one is any good and there are 30 choices ask the clerk their opinion.
If a customer doesn’t ask I don’t give any advice. If they ask I let them know which ones work fucking amazing for me (Blue Fusion, 50 shades and Shogun X are my current favorites) and which ones I think are crap (many of the Rhinos, Alpha Man, many others). Even if they don’t personally know the clerk knows which ones they sell the most of.
The same goes for lubes, toys, poppers, how many people are in the theater,etc. As long as you aren’t asking me to read the ingredients in every lube even though you have no intention to buy any then we are good.
This is a good starting list, especially for those of you who are up to no good at the local porn store. Remember, every clerk is different and what annoys one won’t bother another, but if you’re only there to cruise for dick it is a good rule of thumb to fly under the radar, stay low maintenance and always put money in the booth while you are in it taking up space.